When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i came on her dog
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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