just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
