Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I need a beard to bite.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I deserve this hangover.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
