I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
