I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
