watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
