in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Randomize