May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
