Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
