Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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