3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
