i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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