He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize