can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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