I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
