I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
