He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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