I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
