He told me they were just razor bumps!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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