I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
