A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
