I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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