HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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