May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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