White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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