he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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