I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just want to make out with him forever
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize