Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just pee around me
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
BRING THE BAGELS
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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