how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
