nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
