but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
try to milk me bitch
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