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She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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