Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
