Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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