I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
