i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
