there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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