uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
