i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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