My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
