textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
