My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
