If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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