omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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