and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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