so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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