We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
