At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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