I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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