Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
that is very illegal...i love you.
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