I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
