Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Randomize
