Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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