quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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