a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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