Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
