I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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