Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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