Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
birth control should be required to get into college
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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