You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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