By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize