watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
