Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
